A little humor…

Or poking fun at folks that CAN take a joke…

From the Hillbilly Book of Manners
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at ’em.
3.
YES, it’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
WEDDINGS
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are never any dental records

 

Although I have been reliably informed some of the Air Force terms are out of date, One goes with what one has… 🙂

And yes, the ‘infighting’ between services never ends, and never will…LOL

Comments

A little humor… — 24 Comments

  1. I drool over the amenities on AF bases.

    “You have a what, now?”

  2. I did 25 years in the Chair Force…er Air Farce
    …er…Zoomies
    And 21 of those years doing Army support (17 in Special Forces)
    To all of the people who make jokes about the Air Force…
    I take my rental car back to my Hotel room and cry into my Flight pay, Separate Rats, Haz Duty Pay, Family Sep Pay
    and etc etc and etc
    I have to say those few who got into this sweet gig had the Best of both worlds…
    I got all the creature comforts of the Air Force
    AND
    I played Boy Scout with the Army
    WooHoo

  3. From the Hillbilly book o manners: Many apply but I ain’t sayin which ones! Comparative Mil terms: Quite accurate I’d say! Have a good week all.

  4. I once worked with a guy who was in the Air Farce at the same time I was in the Army. He was assigned to an AFB in the desert southwest, and while I don’t remember what his actual M.O.S. was, it didn’t matter. All he did was represent the base and base commander in golf competitions for bragging rights all over the southwest from the Pacific Ocean to Texas and north to Utah. He traveled to these prestigious golf courses on Uncle’s dime which is easy for the Air Farce. He was a hell of a golfer.

  5. For a variety of reasons, the gents in my Sunday School class started talking about their military experience, which led to, ahem, a little inter-service harassment. Two Army (one of whom had Bronze and Silver stars [to go with Korea and Vietnam combat ribbons] along with jump wings and at least one Purple Heart), one AF who wasn’t present to defend himself, and three Marines, one of whom was actually Navy. I could follow along, and laughed a lot – quietly.

  6. All largely true.

    Life in the enlisted Navy was not perfect.

    I was telling a former Army coworker that I’d ordered my chowline filet mignon cooked medium, and it was more medium-rare, and that sometimes I couldn’t get the individual Air Conditioning outlet in my rack adjusted for the “just right” temperature.
    Judging by the throbbing vein in his forehead, I may have touched a nerve. 🙂

    • Oh, I forgot to tell him the lobster tail was a bit overcooked.

  7. All- Thanks for the comments! And I’m NOT going to say anything…LOL

    TXRed- You should have heard us going back and forth when we got our WuFlu shots… Chased the young man out of the room that was ‘monitoring’ us. He thought we were about to fight! LOL

  8. Alright, the AF stuff is amusing… ‘cept grounded. That’d HURT.

  9. I laughed, but wonder how the military terms will change with woke.

    In a discussion with a liberal about the military and various administration, I pointed out under most Republican administration, military families did not qualify for food stamps.

  10. I did 20 years in the AF, 17 of which were in missiles, and 8 of them in 33 holes in the ground: 18 under the desert, 15 under the prairie. Ja, I vass a Mole Man. Wandering thru a store one day, I saw a painting of a mole in it’s hole, sleeping, and bought it. It’s on my wall in my basement office, along with the flags of 5 states where I have been assigned. The third one was where I was born, and where I met my wife.

    • Sam, I was Navy, but we have something in common.

      I was on 3 boomers, (SSBN submarines). Our doomsday missiles weren’t in holes in the ground, but sixteen missile silo’s back aft in the missile compartment.

      Our unofficial motto was “Hide With Pride”. I like to brag that I have been as far out in the boonies as it’s possible to get without leaving planet Earth.

  11. Marines have eaten so many crayons and so much paste over the years, that someone invented edible crayons and glue just for them.

    Standard Marine issue at boot camp is a 64 count box of crayons. If they can’t consume the whole box before the end of basic, they aren’t considered fit to be Marines.

    • If you really want to set off a Marine, just tell him the Marine Corps is nothing but the Navy’s infantry.

  12. I like the hillbilly one, but it was written by a Yankee. They always seem to use “y’all” in the singular. I reckon they just can’t quite grasp our language.

    • FIFY:
      THREE REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
      1.
      All the DNA is the same.
      2.
      There are never any dental records.
      3.
      There ain’t much that feral dogs, wild hogs, and/or gators won’t eat, if you leave it in the woods.
      ______________

      Also:

      Navy/Marines Army Air Farce
      Field Maneuvers Exercises Walking to the PX
      Field Day Cleaning time The day the maid comes
      Sh*t ticket TP Bidet
      Cargo storage pocket Mittens
      Hand salute Present arms “Hiya, Bob!”
      Hard labor Confined to quarters No internet
      Bread & water MREs No vegan entree
      Hardship tour Unaccompanied tour No ice cream or air
      conditioning

  13. 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

    The key to this one is the use of the singular “a beer.” That would be an inexcusable lack of manners.

    Bring at least a six-pack of beer, so you can share with the interviewer.