I’m tired of all the crap in the news, so humor…
These are the Cowboy Rules in effect for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the Wild West.
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have an $80,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $350,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That’s applies to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘”vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah … We don’t care what you folks in the North East call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring “Coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
Good ones. Those ‘rules’ apply also to much of the Deep South and Midwest as well, and they unfortunately don’t seem to apply to big cities even in the Wild West, especially those controlled by Democrat mayors and City Councils.
And as Neo said in the Matrix movie.
“Guns! Lots of guns!”
There are a fair number of cowboys here in Kansas as well, as there are in Oklahoma, Nebraska, and the Dakotas. Those rules also apply here.
“5. So you have an $80,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $350,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.”
When I was stationed at Shaw in S.C. in the 70’s there was a disastrous snowfall.
We were sent out on search and rescue with “deuce and a halfs”.
Met a farmer who said he had offered to pull a Caddy out of the ditch.
The owner told him that he wasn’t going to have his $8000 Cadillac pulled by a tractor.
The farmer told him, “Yeah, You’re right. Wouldn’t want to scratch my $15,000 tractor.”
#4 You can tell the city slickers who just moved in. For some reason they think they got a right but they just mark themselves as fools. It’s always them kind who complain about the ranch smell. Or the crop dusting causing their ‘sniffles’.
And they don’t miss a beat to complain about all the racket of men starting up the machines at 0300 and getting busy by 0500. Its the sound of money but not to them.
#5 A friend, an OR nurse of many years, once ended a big dick fight between two surgeons. They were comparing high priced cars, expensive boats, trophy wives.
My friend got tired of the boasting so said simply, ‘My husband drives a $300,000 machine and is home for lunch.’ You could’a heard a pin drop.
My friend is married to a very successful rancher.
The wife and I are from NYC and Chicago. We both love watching the arrogant city mouse getting cut down to size by country mouse.
In case you haven’t seen the “Alexa, we need guns” video:
https://youtu.be/M8d5Wr9au9I
“6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.” Well, maybe not, if’n they’re wavimg a rope at you…
“12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah … We don’t care what you folks in the North East call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!”
Soooo, where’s the HOT Sauce???
We wave because we’re showing you we’re not going to shoot you. We don’t wave, better duck.
Other Opening Day semi-holidays are First day of Duck season, first day of dove season, first day of (Insert animal/weapon) season. Treat them accordingly.
You know you attend a country church when: The first Sunday after the first Saturday of November is ALWAYS women’s Sunday, and the assistant preacher is glowering at the organist because the organist already got his season limit. And filled his bonus doe tag.
Tom- Sadly true…
John- Yep!
Jim- 🙂
Ed- LOL, I believe it!
R- Oh yeah, PITAs… We’ve got a couple locally that freak every year about dove season, to the point that dispatchers know the voice and address… And that is a great job by the nurse!!!
Jet- LOL, I’m sure.
Hereso- ROTFLMAO!
Sam- Point!
You forgot that other religious holiday:
The first day of Dove Season.
Ain’t nobody working nowhere, nohow.
Born on a dirt road in rural Georgia, but I’ve lived in metro Atlanta for 42 of the last 46 years, since I got out of the Army.
Lots of Yankees in metro Atlanta. Had lots of opportunity to interact with them. Lots of nice people. But some of them had me thinking:
“No, I DON”T want to hear about how you did it up North. If it was all that great, you’d still be living there.”
Beans/John- True…
TXRed- LOL, true too!
Pat- Interesting, and no, we don’t need to know…