A little ‘humor’ for your weekend…

For versions of humor… Ouch!!!

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26  miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5  feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the backyard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please let me die …. Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day … he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire …

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


A little ‘humor’ for your weekend… — 14 Comments

  1. Turning on the tv…. We had an old tv that worked with a clicker. It would turn on, and march to the next channel every time you clicked it.

    Dad had an old Peacemaker. I was cleaning it one day in the living room. If you are familiar with them, they spell their name when you pull the hammer back. On L, the tv turned on. I eased the hammer down, and did it again. On L, it changed channels. Dad wasn’t impressed with my backup clicker idea. I almost wore the tv out that day.

    • As I recall an early TV remote used ultrasonic sounds to control the TV. The button was like a piano key and would strike a tone bar, hence the name ‘clicker’.

      One contemporary story was of a family with a parrot lost control of the TV if the parrot was in the room. They would turn it on and it would immediately turn back off. The repair shop could never reproduce the problem. Then, someone was watching the bird and saw the feathers on its throat move as the TV turned off. Aha! Move the bird to another room and problem solved.

      Yes, the bird could hear and the control sounds just fine and reproduce them, and it didn’t want to share attention with the TV.

  2. Hahaha!
    Then there was the guy who decided to test his new tazer on the inside of his thigh; hilarity ensued.

  3. When I was a kid I was fascinated with an electric fence. I knew better than to tough it so I used a piece of wire. Lesson learned! Upside was I gave up the idea of peeing on the fence.

  4. Merlin- Boo hiss… 🙂

    STx- LOL, that is interesting!

    Robert- Snort, yeah…

    WSF- ROTF!

  5. With that story I can tell you were a navy guy. Only those in the navy would forget to unplug everything before mowing. Thanks for the laugh, I would have loved to seen it on video!

  6. I bet if that happened at night you would have glowed.

  7. Days gone by back in the 80’s I was running a dairy farm in N.Y. and we had a high impedance Australian fencer that was state of the art for the time. Mostly high tensile fence wire but we used electric twine for cross fencing for convience and because it was easy to move for strip grazing on the after feed on meadows. We had the rough pasture divided behind the barn with it and touched the calves to it when we put them out for the first time in spring when we put them beyond it for the summer and we had to catch them in the fall and pull them through the gate because they respected it that much!

  8. I was in the process of building my first 1 kW 80 meter transmitter (oh – ~ sometime middle of last century) when, looking into the box containing the final assembly, it appeared that the coil was a bit too close to the side of the (aluminum) box, so, my left hand on the chassis to stabilize it, I used my right hand and fingers to move the large coil away from the metal wall. Yes! Of course I’d shut it down – forgetting that there was a very large, high voltage capacitor holding all that voltage (which takes a few minutes to get down to zero or so) off ground.
    It was a good lesson in patience: I never made that mistake again.

  9. I haven’t laughed so hard at anything in years – literally. Does that mean I have a strange, twisted, sense of humor?

    Thanks for writing and posting this one!

    • If you can read that without laughing, you’re dead!

  10. Ha! Wait until you’ve stopped on a country road to piss after a few beers and discover a ‘weed burner’ electric fence! You will be forever vigilant at the possibility ever recurring.

    I wonder if it would be an effective cure for benign prostate enlargement…