Truly BAD jokes…

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…but then I turned myself around.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”

I’m terrified of elevators…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid the elevator…

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger… And then it hit me.

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

Have you heard the one about the bad pole vaulter? It never goes over very well.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.

Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket: “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear

A limbo champion walks into a bar. They are disqualified.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill? Walking… jk, rolling.

What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation!

What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion…and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.

What’s green and has wheels? Beats the hell out of me!

A communist joke isn’t funn… unless everyone gets it.

What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.

Don’t blame me, I just pass ’em on with recycled electrons… 🙂