Truly BAD jokes…
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…but then I turned myself around.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”
I’m terrified of elevators…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid the elevator…
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger… And then it hit me.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
Have you heard the one about the bad pole vaulter? It never goes over very well.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.
Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket: “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear
A limbo champion walks into a bar. They are disqualified.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill? Walking… jk, rolling.
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation!
What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion…and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
What’s green and has wheels? Beats the hell out of me!
A communist joke isn’t funn… unless everyone gets it.
What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.
Don’t blame me, I just pass ’em on with recycled electrons… 🙂