To start your week…

I decided to quit drinking for good. So, now I drink for evil.

How did I quit smoking? I decided to only smoke after sex.

I was trying to have a sexual relationship with a blind woman, but I had to quit. I just couldn’t get her husband’s voice right.

I think my dog is angry at me for quitting drugs. He hasn’t talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

A buddy of mine says his wife is nagging him to quit his job. She objects to them testing their products on rabbits. She might have a point. He works in a hammer factory.

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Louisiana Ghost Story

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door..

Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly and silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life….. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared through the driver’s window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window into the darkness and Saul was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran the rest of the way to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a restaurant called Fishermen’s Point. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth.

About half hour later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Fisherman’s Point and one says to the other, “Look Thibodeaux!…. deers dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin’ it in the rain!!!”

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Little  Johnny

2+2+2=7
Makes sense to me!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?

Johnny:  Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully… If  I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many apples would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?

Johnny: Seven, I told you before!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven cats from?

A very angry Johnny: Because…. I’ve already got a damn cat at home!!