Tired, but fun was had at LibertyCon. Some new faces put with commenters, interesting conversations were had, one liners and puns were exchanged on an many things, lessons were learned, and plotting and scheming was done…
It has been a sad weekend, with the losses in Dallas, and the commentary from this administration continues to poison the waters so to speak…
So you get humor…
Retirement Options in the U.S.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiny from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ….
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different, She is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder”.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
minor correction: Here in Minnesota “casserole” is a foreign word. We have far more than seventeen varieties of “hot dish”, many of which can be sampled at any local church picnic or pot luck dinner.
Yeah, medically retired in the Phoenix area.
It’s all true.
PS – ketchup is not a spice – it’s not anything…
(runs and hides!)
gfa
Glad you had a good time!
LOL, those are all good ones. Thanks for reminding me that grandpa used to check cattle in his ol Caddy.
If I had my wits about me, I’d toss in some one-liners about retiring in Alaska, but too many choose to move Outside when they stop working. Seems we’re not a great place to grow old in … unless you live in Los Anchorage. You’re never more than a couple of miles from Safeway, Walgreens, or Wal-Mart.
The rest of the state has a longer commute, and more snow. 🙂
Los Anchorage.
Says it all.
Heh.
LOL. Prior to retirement I lived in Phoenix, Cali, The Deep South, and Colorado as well as other places similar to but not mentioned. I can vouch for the truth of the above characterizations.
Finally retired, I moved back to the mostly free state of Idaho where Salsa is added to Minnesota spice pallet, the seasons are Summer, not winter, winter, still winter, and almost spring (3 days between still winter and summer), you go from heat to A/C to A/C to heat in less than 24 hrs. and you always have a coat in the car even in mid July (did I mention the weather is changeable?).
There are two kinds of people in the US. Southerners and those who wish they were Southerners. Now All Y’all stop poking fun at us’uns. You know the old saying, “American by birth, Southern by the grace of God.”
Having visited all but Nebraska I can vouch for the validity of all those comments.
Safety Tip: my Smarter Half (Fla. native) taught me to IGNORE the turn signals of Florida drivers. Watch their heads (when visible) instead. They will be looking (directly or via mirror)in the direction they will actually be going. Following this advice I’ve avoided 2 collisions.
Hey Old NFO;
I living on the South can validate what you said;)
What is this retirement you speak of?
(Sigh)…”Y’all” is never, ever singular. Think of it as “youse guys”, battered & fried. You might say “y’all” to one person, but it’s implied that it includes others than the addressee.
Sorry to be pedantic, but you can always tell when somebody’s faking being Southern; at some point, they’ll think it’s time to throw in a y’all, & almost always wrongly.
All-Thanks for all the comments. Just got home after 16 hours on the road, going to bed.
Posted from my iPhone.
It’s very easy to wear out a car horn in South Florida too.
I should know, my pop’s worn out the horn in three different cars.
Oh and ‘nite Jim. 🙂
Ratus- True! Thanks… 🙂
OR: you could retire to Chicago, Illinois where:
1. You have to step over dead bodies gunned down by gang bangers just to get into the Seven Eleven.
2. When you say ‘y’all’, you receive a severe beating just on general principles.
3. Where a coroner’s hearse follows each Chicago police patrol vehicles, to save time.
4. Where you can buy your 800 sq. ft retirement hovel that has no running water and pay $18,000/year in property taxes. And then mayor Rahm Emanuel wags his finger at you for not paying your fair share.
All your observations about the Deep South would both be true and considered positive around here.