Conventional ‘wisdom’…

This one came over the transom via the mil-email net…

-I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

-When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

-Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

-America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

-You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

-Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

-My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

-I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

-Money talks… but all mine ever says is goodbye.

-You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

-If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

-I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say “Here, fill this out?”

-I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named ‘Sag Harbor’.

-My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

-My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

-Denny’s has a slogan “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

-The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

-The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

-I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

-Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

-There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It’s harder for drunk people to hit you.

-I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.


Conventional ‘wisdom’… — 14 Comments

  1. Hey Old NFO;

    LOL, Those are pretty good, and please don’t foist you and your bathrobe to the mailbox to your neighbors…they are such nice people, lol

  2. I know that the bit about 4,153,237 people getting married, and shouldn’t it be an even number, is a JOKE, and it’s funny, BUT!
    There is a practice called “Sologamy,” wherein a person gets married to themselves.
    Wikipedia article on sologamy states: “Self-marriage has become increasingly popular in the 21st century, especially among affluent women. As of 2014 a travel agency in Kyoto was offering self-marriage packages for women, with some customers being wives who were disattisfied with their original wedding. British photographer Grace Gelder’s self-marriage in 2014 and Italian fitness trainer Laura Mesi’s self-marriage in 2017 have been widely reported.”
    Evidently, some of the wedding ceremonies are complete with dresses, music, guests, and cake.
    I wonder about the wedding party, though. Is it considered gauche to have both groomsmen and bridesmaids, if there is only a groom? Or only a bride?
    And in filling out forms, do you write your own name in the ‘next-of-kin’ box?
    And if you don’t leave anything to yourself in the will, is that grounds for challenging the will?
    If you later decide it’s not working out: is a separation called for, or do you go straight to the divorce? I’ve heard people say “It got so bad, I couldn’t live with myself.” Is that grounds for divorce?
    What if after you marry yourself, you see somebody who is cute. Is asking the out for coffee cheating on yourself? If you fall in love with them, and want to marry them, do you have to divorce yourself first to avoid being a bigamist?
    If you marry yourself TWICE, does that make you an auto-bigamist?

  3. How about “You aren’t fat, you’re famine-resistant.” And harder to kidnap!

  4. Sooooo, THAT’S why J.C.Penney’s is closing all those stores!

  5. “-Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”

    That one’s easily explained – it’s all in the chromosomes!

    (yeah, it’s stretching the genes a bit far – sorry!)