Twas the Night Before Christmas in Yonkers

‘Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin’,

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

 

When up on da roof

I heard somethin’ pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”

 

When what to my

Wanderin’ eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin’ reindeer!

 

Wit’ slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

Don Christopher wuz here,

And he brought da loot!

 

Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

 

“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

 

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me up side da head.

 

“What da hell you doin’

Pullin’ a gun on da Don?

Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,

You friggin’ moron!”

 

Den pointin’ a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

 

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin’,

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin’.

 

Den I heard him yell out,

Two, tree times, I expect

“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,

And you’s better show some respect!

+++++++++

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.” The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing–      “Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”

++++++++++

And one to ponder…

Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone

In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone

I had come down the chimney with presents to give

And to see just who in this home did live

 

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see

No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree

No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand

On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands

 

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds

A sober thought did come through my mind

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary

I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly

 

The soldier lay sleeping, silent and alone

Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home

The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder

Not how I pictured a United States soldier

 

Was this the hero of whom I’d just read?

Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night

Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight

 

Soon round the world, the children would play

And grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year

Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here

 

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone

On a cold Christmas eve in a land far from home

The very thought brought a tear to my eye

I dropped to my knees and started to cry

 

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice

Santa don’t cry, this life is my choice

I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more

My life is my God, my Country, my Corps

 

The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep

I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still

And we both shivered from the cold nights chill

 

I didn’t want to leave on that cold, dark, night

This guardian of honor so willing to fight

Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure

Whispered Carry on Santa, all is secure

 

One look at my watch and I knew he was right

Merry Christmas, my friend, and to all a good night

 

By:  Major Bruce Lovely, adopted from a similar poem

by Anonymous.