You get humor…

Pilots Philosophy…

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it’s ugly, it’s British.
If it’s weird, it’s French.
If it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
‘We’re not happy, till you’re not happy.’

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it’s called a “System Malfunction”, If a pilot screws up it’s called a “violation”.

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter — it’s about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . On the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules: 
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
“You’ve got to land here son.  This is where the food is.”

The three best things in life are: 
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night case III carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station….. and that’s how the fight started.
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told   her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream……. and that’s how the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’……  and that’s how the fight started.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’  ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since. ‘’My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’…… and that’s how the fight started.
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how  sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over   to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’  So, I   looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’……. and that’s how the fight started.
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’  He   said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’  ‘Nah, she can order for  herself.’….. and that’s how the fight started.