Humor???

Or an option???

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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  1. 1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’ ).

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  1. 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’

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  1. 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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  1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———— ——— –

  1. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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  1. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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  1. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

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  1. 8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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  1. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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  1. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.

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  1. 11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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  1. 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

———— ——–

  1. 13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

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  1. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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  1. 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

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God Save the Queen!


Comments

Humor??? — 30 Comments

  1. My people stood for Liberty
    My people stood for states rights
    My people stood for Texas
    My people withstood the dust bowl
    My people have been in every fracas since the French and Indian war.

    And I’ve stood about all I can stand this year!!

  2. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh??? You and what army? Don’t forget, our people pushed your army out before, we can do it again…

    So, you and the slug you rode in on… and I’m in a GOOD mood.

  3. Humor, or option?

    It’s neither.

    I kind of like the Queen, or her public persona anyway, and I tend to be an anglophile. However, she can’t even control her own family, so no.

  4. Bugger the rest (even though I do agree a bit about macrobrews). The answer for #13 is simple: The communist did it – no matter what the fellow-travel(l)er media says.

  5. I read a few blogs from the Mother Land. Those folks are about as unhappy as we are with their respective government.

    Liz is the Head of State, a figure head, with no real power. So…this ‘decree’ has to come from Parliament and those folks are as screwed up as our Congress.

  6. All- It really was a humor post, but I agree, we’d NEVER agree to do that again. We can and WILL survive this mess…

    Posted from my iPhone.

  7. The sad thing is… This is not Queen Elizabeth but a page from Nancy Pelosi’s diary and dreams book.

    Though way too many of our fellow Americans seem content to let taxes climb, roundabouts appear, play soccer instead of football, find baseball boring, want to pay high gas prices (due to a complete lack of the concepts of logic and economics.)

    Sorry, once my very very Greats on my mom’s side got kicked out of Jolly Olde for questioning the state religion, that was pert near done for me and my clan. And then they went and kicked out my dad’s side from Canada. So double flying fingers of fancy to the B.E. (and we should have sided with the Kaiser in WWI!)

    • Nah, BZ ONFO. Made me smile and Dawg knows I need it.

      OT: somehow I bought a buncha books about some Rimworld things ‘n lies by a transplanted Texan ‘n some other frippery. BUT! Amazon says delivery is the first week in FEBRUARY. Yegads…

  8. Hell, I thought it was funny.

    I do love the memes about her wanting off that awful quadroon but having already used the car accident gambit.

  9. Say what you like, folks — and it surely is humour — but… while we are cowering in our lockdowns, when we are not trashing our cities and screaming at people that is, they can still produce this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V15Ivig5Nok
    And Her Majesty may be a figurehead (though not as much as one might think), but what do we have?

  10. Prince Andrew. ‘English government is riddled with pedos’ is at least as plausible as ‘American government is riddled with pedos’.

    Pre-war Churchill quotes against Hitler’s government, re-framed as tweets, and showing the mark of official disapproval, would be a funnier, but much too close to real concerns to be any comfort.

    Even if this one fell flat for me, it was better than another examination of the serious business.

    I’m not sure that there is much more that should be said on the seriousness. Either a credible convincing explanation of the statistical anomalies is provided, or Biden does not take office. Right now there are a lot of boomer captains at sea, sealed orders in the safe, waiting to find out from lack of radio contact. If a credible explanation was available, the morons yammering about ‘no statistical anomalies’ would have spilled part of it by now. If the morons are yammering excitedly, it may simply be because they are pulling out all the stops now that they have been canceled.

    I have nothing useful to say.

    Any stupidity or silliness is welcome, so long as it isn’t part of the current mess.

    Haven’t we already stopped playing baseball? 🙂

  11. Dear God! If you don’t get that that was a humorous post, there would be little point in wasting Blackadder, Fawlty Towers or Monty Python on you.

  12. “…or Monty Python on you.”

    Well, I just recently watched “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” again for the first time in a very long time. I thought I would laugh at it just like I did back in 1974.

    No.

    It was just stupid and was way past it’s expiration date. (I guess that’s the difference between someone in their 20’s and someone in their 60’s.)

    But… I get it. The post was supposed to be a humorous. However, our esteemed host did ask a specific question: “Humour??? Or an option???”

    …and I answered “neither”, because a) it wasn’t all that funny (imho), and b) it’s definitely NOT an option.

  13. Roy nailed this.

    Humor requires truth to be funny.

    This was missing both.

    It was more like a Millenial’s wet dream of pseudo-snark, from his office as a coffee-slinger (pretentious titles in latinate form are still pretentious titles) at Starbuck’s. In Oxfordshire.

    I rate it a “Meh-minus”, at best.

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