Snicker…

Random things to ponder about…

– Sweet meats are candy, but sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

– Quicksand works slowly.

– Why do eggs come in flimsy paper cartons, and batteries come in packages only a chainsaw can open?

– Boxing rings are square.

– Tell a man there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

– Why does a writer writes, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, humdingers don’t hum, and hammers don’t ham?

– If you can make amends, can you just make one amend?

– If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but just one, what do you call it?

– Why do you recite at a play, but you play at a recital?

– How can a SLIM CHANCE and a FAT CHANCE be the same, while a WISE MAN and a WISE GUY are opposites?

– Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

– Why do feet smell and noses run?

– If it was only a 3-hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL take so much clothing?

– Why is QUITE A FEW the same as QUITE A LOT?

– How does a building burn up as it burns down?

– Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?

– Why does your alarm go off by going on?

– When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.

– How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

– Why call it a HAMBURGER, when it’s made of BEEF?

– Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?

– What would a chair look like, if knees bent the other way?

– IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

– Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients, but DISHWASHING LIQUID contains real lemons?

– How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn’t grow in it?

– Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

– Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?

– Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

– Why do we wash BATH TOWELS – aren’t we clean when we use them?

– Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

– Why doesn’t GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?

– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?

– What do birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

– Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

– Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

– If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

– Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

– If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

– Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?

– Where do homeless people have 90% of their accidents?

– If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

– Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

– Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

– If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

– What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

– How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

– Why isn’t the word ‘phonetic’ spelled the way it sounds?

– When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

– What do you call a defective Milk Dud?

– Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

– Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

– What was the best thing before sliced bread?

– How come abbreviated is such a long word?

– it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

– Why do you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

– Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

– Do fish get cramps after eating?

– Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

– Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

– If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

– Isn’t Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

– What is the speed of dark?

– Do you regret even starting to read these???


Comments

Snicker… — 16 Comments

  1. Good ones.

    And why do the words “flammable” and “inflammable” mean exactly the same thing, but “competent” and “incompetent” have the opposite meaning.

  2. From George Carlin: “Why is brassiere singular and panties are plural?” “Why don’t tomb and bomb rhyme?”

  3. Two from Steven Wright:
    If vegetable oil comes from crushed veggies, and peanut oil comes from crushed peanuts, where does baby oil come from???

    I got some of those whistles that are supposed to keep deer away as you’re driving. Unfortunately I put them on backwards, and now I have a herd of deer following my car around.

  4. The speed of dark is twice the speed of dumb.

    If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but just one, what do you call it? This here thing.

    If it was only a 3-hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL take so much clothing? Because she wanted to!

    Why does your alarm go off by going on? It doesn’t “go” on, it “comes” on, and then it goes on, until you whack it with a hammer.

    – it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Depends: Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

    – What is the speed of dark? Twice the speed of Dumb.

    OK, I’ll let myself out…

  5. If you put the batteries in a flashlight in backwards, why doesn’t it suck all the light out of the room?

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