Movie lessons…


-If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

-During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.

-All watches and clocks are synchronised to the second.

-Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

-Any elevator will automatically go to your floor without pressing any buttons and take as long as your conversation to reach the right floor.

-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

-Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.

-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

-Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

-During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind the person and talk to the person’s back.

-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

-You can always rely on your car keys already being in the ignition when you get in the car, but if it’s an emergency, you won’t be able to find the keys anywhere.

-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.

-Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

-No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

-Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

-A million dollars in cash or cocaine fits perfectly in a briefcase.

-If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

-Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in mid-air for no apparent reason.

-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

-A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

-An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

-Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions – can be played without moving your fingers.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

-If you type a partial password on someone else’s computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.

-When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

-A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.

-One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

-75% of all Americans live in either New York or Los Angeles. The remaining 25% that live outside those cities are violently racist rednecks, inbred hillbillies, or separatist militants.

-If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river – or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

-Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.

-Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilisation.

-If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

-There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

-Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings – especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

-No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-All single women have cats.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

-When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

-If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

-The entire British population lives in London.

-All Australians live in the Outback.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-If someone shoots a fully automatic weapon at you, running behind a banister or railing will ensure that the bullets hit only the posts.

-You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.

-People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.

-When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

-Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.

-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.

-Taxi drivers don’t require exact or even approximate payment – the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.

-No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.

-Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son’s eighth birthday.

-Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down on the eve of retirement.

-The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

-It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

-If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their buddy’s.

-Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

-At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

-Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.



Movie lessons… — 29 Comments

  1. And always, the women exploring the haunted house in their underwear are not those that would require eye bleach to undee.

  2. That’s a good start… I’m sure we can come up with more!
    Here’s another:
    Cars never need or run out of gas unless you’re desperate.

  3. I was watching a clip from Big Bang Theory and I was shocked to notice that Bernadette was actually checking her mirrors.

  4. Movies do tend to skew reality just a bit.

    Favorite police investigation strip club scene: Dragnet with Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd.

    The exception to Everyone Speaks English: Mars Attacks

    The exception to No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it: Signals with Mel Gibson. They say that’s why the movie crashed and burned. Pets gotta survive no matter what. The scene from Independence Day with the dog jumping out of the car to safety is a good example of the lengths they’ll take to make sure the pet is safe.

    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving: Brigid and I postulated that there is tactical lipstick. It will stay on even when someone rips duct tape off of someone’s mouth. And look glossy and fresh.

    It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down: Didn’t fall for that one–took lessons so at least I’ve got some basic knowledge of pitch and power. Don’t push forward to go down unless you are a kamikaze pilot.

    • “Don’t push forward to go down unless you are a kamikaze pilot.”

      CFI’s are not training students correctly in this case. This appears to be a major problem, as pilots are killing themselves in GA on a regular basis.

      Engine quits after takeoff? Push the wheel NOW. Get that nose heading toward the ground while you still control it. Fliers get scared when they get close to the ground, and want to keep it in the air while they search for a perfect place to set it down. (Often this includes trying to turn back to the runway they just left, but not always.) Result is the classic stall/spin that kills everyone in the aircraft. Apparently, even high hour/experienced pilots are seduced into trying to extend that glide when close to the ground. Common fatal mistake.

      Your best/safest choice is to think: how fast can I get this thing on the ground? And then do so.

      Generally speaking, when the engine quits, stop worrying about the aircraft, the insurance company now owns it.

    • Ambush the perp and turn him into a Eunich as part of his transition surgery at no cost. Failing that there are still swamps with hungry alligators in Florida I hear.

  5. Actually, the wound cleaning thing would make sense, if we presume that all women have a superpower when it comes to hurting men.

    There are people who would believe that the latter matches their observations of the real world.

  6. It is my experience that the Twins-one born evil is mostly true. Hear me out.

    I’ve somehow gotten to know lots of twins in my life. And they (the sets) all seem to act the same way. Each seems to have half the brain of a normal person. Not stupid, just, one will be the artsy twin while the other is the scientific twin. One will be all butterflies and kittens are cute!!! while the other will be the dark one. And in some ways, yes, one expresses goodness while the other approaches evil.

    Weird, but…

    As to other things Hollyweird tells us is true but is most certainly not true in real life, given equal training, a 100lb girl can defeat a 250lb man in hand to hand combat.

    Don’t know how many times I’ve sparred with a girl as good or better technically than me and it was a pushover for me.

  7. “-During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.” ONCE??? Oughta be THREE!

    -Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. Jawohl, mein fuhrer!!

    -All single women have cats. Preferably. not less than five.

  8. Oh please. After some of the crap my Chiefs bragged about doing on liberty?
    The movies seem quite plausible.

  9. All women with more than 30 seconds of screen time will be in their mid 20s, blonde, and look like playboy bunnies, except for the semi-obligatory oriental villainess.

    The DNA sample conveniently left at the crime scene by the perp will be analyzed by the crime lab’s brand new DNA Analyzer in ten minutes flat.

    All bombs must follow the “International Brotherhood of Mad Bombers Code” with properly color coded wiring. However, as noted above, any wire the hero cop cuts will disable the bomb with less than five second left.

    All taxi drivers speak Brooklynese, even in LA, and will immediately engage in a high speed chase when ordered to “follow that car.”

  10. The 555 thing is due to the North American Numbering Plan reserving those numbers for fictional works, so people don’t wind up prank calling some poor bastard and asking for the base commander of Mission City or somesuch.

    (Note: this only applies to deliberate numbers. Errors in printing can and have routed calls in strange ways — the ‘call Santa’ line in a newspaper being misprinted so that it routed to the commander of NORAD, for example.)

    • There was a story a few days ago where a TV(?) production used a realistic number. The owner of the real life business who has that number was not amused.

  11. “Taxi drivers don’t require exact or even approximate payment – the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.”
    Well, yeah, if it’s big enough and you don’t want change.

  12. More:

    – When people are having a serious disagreement and one or more decide to draw guns, it’s time for a big, weighty conversation to air out their grievances. It’s certainly not a time to SHOOT YOUR WAY OUT IMMEDIATELY, or behave as if you are imminently fighting for your very life, or to un-ass the entire area.

    – People who program bomb timers ALWAYS set them to count down to zero. It would be ungentlemanly to program a counter to count UP to a secret number, or to alter the counting rate periodically, or alternate increment/decrement, or to display randomly generated numbers until the trigger code is hit.

    – If you decide you need to upload a computer virus to disable a spaceship from a zillion miles away, WE HAVE THE CONNECTOR, and it’s even better than ‘universal’ serial bus (USB) because you don’t have to flip it over a couple of times in order to insert it.

    – There are a bunch of cliches (Things I Will/Will Not Do If I Become the Evil Overlord) which end up in movies and are lampshaded here:

    A couple of my favorites from the above are:

    “No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.”

    “I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.”

  13. “Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from.”

    This is actually true, not just a movie trope.

    “All women have cats”

    Insert the word “single” and it is true.

    “People driving always look at the person in the back seat”

    Specifically parodied in “Strange Brew” with Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas. Worth a watch if you never seen it and a re-watch if it’s been a while.

    “If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.”

    I wouldn’t want to live in a world where this wasn’t true.

    “Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one”

    Very few people are actually trained to fight as part of a group.

  14. Instead of immediately killing the hero and getting on with THE EVIL PLAN TO RULE THE WORLD; the bad guy launches into a monologue, explaining he plan in detail. This gives the hero time to escape, and the knowledge to thwart the evildoer.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.