Turkey day is coming! Get your rules out ahead of time…
- Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
- If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your butt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
- If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!
- There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
- Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!
- BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?
- What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTE D TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
- Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
- BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
- Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen.
- I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
And an oldie updated…
A French doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Delaware, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.’
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The liberals are asking us to give Biden time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
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America needs Biden like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Biden Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Q: What does Biden call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
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Q: What’s the difference between Biden’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
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Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Biden were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
It started to sink, who would be saved? ….
A: America!
:^) – Thanks for the early jumpstart on Monday morning sir. I need it – today may be a grim day later on.
I would like to add a codicil to point 1. It is acceptable to ask AFTER the meal who made a food item, but only to compliment them on their work. Note: you have to have actually eaten some of it.
At church pot luck dinners, in my youth, the smart kids got the buffet table early to see who brought what, so that the assault on the table could be planned in advance. As an aside, whatever mom brought was typically gone in the the first wave assault. Similar dishes by lesser cooks often survived to the end of the affair.
jrg- Hopefully it won’t be…
Toast- GOOD point!
NRW- Ah yes… We did that too…LOL
Wow dude, tough family.
I can just about hear my Aunt Donna reciting those talking points at the beginning. Thanks for the memories. 🙂
Hey Old NFO;
My family gatherings haven’t been that rough, although they are at my house.
#12 “I will be armed, and recommend any and all others to be as well. All firearms are to remain holstered unless needed, and then judicious marksmanship would be appreciated.”
This strictly ensures the safety of our holiday celebration from acts of violence. There is no concern for heated political disagreements turning ugly in my family. My sister’s family has been banished since 2011.
There are a lot of rimshots in there.
I used to be invited to a SIL’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. I’d take the kids to a hamburger joint that was open on Thanksgiving before we went so that they wouldn’t complain about being hungry when they didn’t eat her cooking. It made for a more peaceful event. And they never mentioned it to her.
#13. Nobody from ‘The Islands’ or ‘The Caribbean’ will be allowed to use their version of ‘time’ to schedule or affect the cooking and the eating. Thanksgiving is inherently a ‘We left Northern Europe’ holiday, so Northern Europe time and timeliness will be observed.
(One of my SILs is from the Dominican Republic. So I know this rather intimately. Waiting half an hour or more for the dressing/stuffing/other side to be served with the turkey is not cool…)
“Rules? You got RULES? We don’t need no steenking RULES!”
We had no such rules growing up, Which is why I both HATE these family events, AND try to have them at my house.
First, it lets ME deep-fry the turkey, so I have a great excuse for staying outsider and away from everybody else.
Second, because I know where all the good hiding places are. It’s USUALLY safe for me to emerge the day after, but I have been known to be holed up in the shed (it has both wifi access, and my reloading equipment) until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.
Finally, I don’t have to drive anywhere afterwards with sticky and exhausted children. Whether the pie is pumpkin or sweet potato, it looks much worse when partially digested and spread all over the back seat of the car.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, but you gotta work it every day…
All- LOL, good additions, and don’t blame you Pat!