Think before you speak? What a novel concept…

These folks ‘forgot’ that rule…


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.” 


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” 
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.”

I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’Then I said,’Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”

“No,” he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman
and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

So remember, THINK before you speak… Or not… 🙂


Snort… — 11 Comments

  1. Those were hilarious! Thank you sir, for a great start to my day!

  2. My wife was buying Christmas presents right around the time Toy Story was a thing. She wanted a large doll for one of the grandkids… She asked the guy in Walmart where they kept the “twelve inch Woodies”. He about fell apart laughing. She didn’t get it until my daughter explained to her. She didn’t want to ever go back there….

  3. “twelve inch Woodies” I would get fired for making a gesture toward my, um, nether region.

    Could be worse. There’s that joke about a guy going into a bar and pulling out a twelve-inch pianist…

  4. I live here in MI and that is not a gaffe. Gals around here speak their mind.

    Reminds me of the time long ago when at the gym, one of my co workers convinced the desk gal (a real looker) to page Mr. Meoff, then as an afterthought, said, his first name is Jack.

    Yep, the gal proceeded on the P.A. to ask Jack Meoff to come to the desk. Did I mention my co-worker was a real joker? Same level of laughter ensued and boy was she pissed off. Good times.

  5. Robert- Noooooo…

    Chipmunk- Oh HELL yes…

    Terra- LOL, yeah we know those women too…

  6. Way, way back in the day I was dating a student nurse. She and her co-conspirators didn’t like the new (and dumb) receptionist. Had her making several inappropriate pages.

  7. That should be required reading for future keyboard warriors before they being allowed to communicate past their internal networks. Most of those already out there are a lost cause.