To start the week!

The fattest  knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I  saw an eye-doctor on  an Alaskan island,  but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was  only a whisky-maker, but  he loved her still.

A  rubber-band pistol  was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a  weapon of math disruption.

No matter  how much you push the envelope, it’ll still  be stationery.

A dog gave  birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade  thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk  worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp  wall.  The police are looking  into it.

Time flies  like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is  a non-prophet organization.

Two hats  were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said  to the other:  ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

I wondered  why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit  me.

A sign on  the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  ‘Keep off the Grass.’

The midget  fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier  who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward  poet writes inverse.

In a  democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When  cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

If you  jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine  .

A vulture  carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.  The stewardess looks at him and says,  ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per  passenger.’

Two fish  swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

Two Eskimos  sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your  kayak and heat it too.

Two  hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’  The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Did you  hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His  goal: transcend dental medication.

There was  the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the  hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.