FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2023
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2023
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our ” Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2023
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, No gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
PATTY
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2023
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as
dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2023
RE: The #*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
PATTY
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2023
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Ho ho ho ! Another satisfied customer !
Why does Christmas have to be this stressful ? When I was a kid, it wasn’t nearly as *eye / corner of mouth twitching* as it is today.
Poor Patty. Another victim.
An open bar with colleagues or an afternoon off with pay. I’d rather have the latter anyway.
This is a good post and I had to laugh because it shows how insane our world has become. I can see this actually happening in this upside down world we now find ourselves living in.
Yes, though I have been seeing this for at least several years now. Still funny/worth crying over.
I want to know how you obtained copies of internal e-mails from my place of employment. Srsly. 😉
jrg- Yeah…sigh
Ed- Oh yeah, sign of the times.
Tuvela- TRue!
John- Agreed!
TOS- I originally sent this 10 years ago! Never realized it would become a reality…
Rev- LOL
All good humor has a basis in truth…
This sounds like the crazy discussions I heard about a holiday party in the department when I was a college professor.
Dan- Oh yeah!!!
George- LOL, better you than me!
I’m a little bit surprised that you allow such segretation between “gays” and “lesbians.”
Doesn’t all mean ALL?
PS. Victoria was the Empress of India and believed there was no such thing as a lesbian. She had a point and my, how that linguistic worm’s turned.
First Xmas company party way back when had free dinner, a generous free bar, free hotel rooms (thank dog, no shape to drive home), copious door prizes and IIRC, some sportsball thing happened and Chicagoans were overturning parked cars in celebration. I kinda miss those innocent times.
I must be doing something wrong now as I’m working sober the Christmas morning shift with no pay because my client has (temporarily?) lost Medicaid/Medicare coverage and I’m doing it cuz it needs doing. It’s a Christmas miracle; or maybe just old-fashioned work ethic. Merry Whatever Everyone!
ETA: I almost wish the Norks would launch their darned nuke EMP so I can justify all the pepper crap I’ve done. Almost.
I’d wondered if the Norks, who are space-capable (if perhaps barely… but barely is enough) would orbit a nuke (carefully NOT saying it was such, which is the tricky part when the place run by a braggart) and ‘lose control’ and “accidentally” ruin Beijing’s day with the EMP.
What, no dancing naked around a fire to celebrate the pagan Yule and the December full moon which is the day after Christmas this year? I will stick with keeping the celebration of Christ’s birth as the center even if the Bible story fits with spring better (Shepards in the fields) and using pagan holidays to cover Christian holidays and we already had Easter,Passover celebration in the spring!
LSP- Good point…
Robert- Thank you!
Orvan- Good question.
Hammer- Amen!