Nothing good in the news, so you get humor…

Unless you own a cat…

How to Give a Cat a Pill   

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

1.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little son-of-a-bitch’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


Snerk… — 16 Comments

  1. We placed a pill in a a small meatball of raw hamburger. Our peke would expertly roll the meat ball around swallowing the hamburger and spitting out the pill simultaneously. Make about four meatballs, with the pill in the last one. As rapidly as possible toss the meatballs at him until he was gulping the meatball in one bite. Then slip him the one with the pill. Not foolproof, but about an 80% chance of success.

    Pekinese, cat software running on dog hardware, coupled with a genetic memory that they lived in the Chinese Emperor’s palace, and if you asked them, they were the real Emperors.

    • Nuke Road Warrior, curse you autocorrupt. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  2. This is so true , I am chuckling as I finished reading this . Me and my wife tag teamed a cat once using several of these methods . Sharp teeth man….jaws of steel for such a little head , claws , cat drool, bloody arms…No wonder they tranquilize tigers to accomplish medicines . Feral cats out here rurally at the house come and go , I never feed them except in the coldest of weather , I assume they earn their keep in the barn by eating mice . The feral ones are pretty much wild . Thanks for the laugh , so true .

  3. So true, our cats are much harder to medicate than our dog. The dog is far more trusting.

  4. Having pilled cats…yep. It’s all true. The last cat I had that needed medicine was willing to eat wet food with crushed pill sprinkled on top. Much easier.

  5. Could not stop laughing. I have 3 cats and have had some of the same problems but not to that extent. But any way whay a great laugh you gave me.

  6. My parents’ last cat needed periodic infusions, which the cat actually tolerated. It was a two person job, because he did have to be held, but he didn’t freak out about it.

  7. There is a reason vets send cats and owners back to their homes to administer medications.

    • Yep… Dogs all the way.

      …. Proper dogs, that is. The non-functional GMO abominations like Pekingese and Frenchies don’t qualify as dogs. There’s nothing that they offer that you cannot get with a properly-chosen dog with healthy and functional genetics.

  8. Our experience is that your much better off administering liquid medicine to cats. It still may be a two person job, but it’s easier.

    And we, too, have a cat who thinks that a ground up pill sprinkled on top of wet food is a treat.

  9. This is why we have a dog. Dogs will sometimes be finicky. My previous dog would take a particular flavor of a certain brand of cream cheese.

    None of my dogs catch food.

  10. Peter- LOL, yes!

    Drang- Snort…

    Emily- Most don’t, but they’re 2 second dogs in a 5 second world…LOL

  11. OMG, funny! Humor must have some truth in it.

    Had to give subcutaneous fluid to an elderly cat who had no doubt that she was in charge of all the nearby humans. Step one: get cat stoned on catnip. Step two: deftly insert large needle under cat’s skin. Step three: remove needle from finger on non-dominant hand and repeat step three.

    Once she realized the infusion made her feel better, she willingly endured the needle without the dope while possibly purring faintly. I kinda miss that bossy cat.