In the daily battle between you and the world, bet on the world.

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber doesn’t start with a “4”

Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap; life is expensive.

Always cheat. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

The rule of the “3” F’s. If it floats, flies or f**ks rent it, don’t buy it.

Have a plan. Have a back-up plan. Because the first on probably won’t work.

I joined a procrastinator’s club. We haven’t met yet.

I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember it

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can change and friends to bail me out when I finally snap

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid but it can muffle it up.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met?  That’s common sense leaving your body

315. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Learn from your parents mistakes. Use birth control.

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.