Nobody Asked Me…

To start your week! This one is a few years old, but…

A Texan’s answer to welfare…

Put me in charge . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans,
blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want
steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women
Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get
tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your
“home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be
inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your
own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or
you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We
will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo
and speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of
the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before
you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self-esteem,”
consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for
doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system
rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on government subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a government welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Leftover Halloween jokes… What, you thought you’d get candy???

Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair in place?
A: Scarespray!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. Why can’t a male ghost father babies?
A. Because he has a hollow weenie.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn’t have a haunting license.

Q.  What do you call a dancing ghost?
A. Polka-haunt-us

Q. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
A. Buckle your sheet belt!
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 This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interested in swings from a pole.

Thank goodness for Halloween. All of a sudden, the cobwebs in my house are decorations!

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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do. I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat . . . no thank you.” ~ Rita Rudner
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.  Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”
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10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?

   2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

   3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

   4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

   5. I got the best piece from that house.

   6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

   7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….

   8. It was so full and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

   9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

   10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!