From the mil-email net…
-Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter the pretty girl said “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards”. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her and smiled “Grandpa will pay the bill”.
-A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says “Excuse me sir, but you can’t smoke in here”. The guy says “Don’t you think it’s kinda dumb that I buy them here but can’t smoke them here?” And the cashier replies, “Not at all… we also sell condoms here”.
-Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter. When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realised that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them. Gasping for breath she replied “I’m not stupid… when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I’d better run too!”
-The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had stopped for speeding. “I’ve been waiting for you all day” the copper said. The kid replied “Yes, well I got here as fast as I could”. When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name, so as the student reached the door the professor called “Mister, what’s your name!” The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, “You guess, buddy! You guess!”
-A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won’t leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says “You’re driving too fast!” His wife says “Stay to the left!” After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife “Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?”
-An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning as he inmate was being put before the firing squad the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. “No” the inmate said “just get it over with”. “Well is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment then replied “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song from beginning to end without any interruptions”. The guard nodded and agreed. “Go ahead,” said the guard. The inmate started “One billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer…”
-It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. “What are my choices?” the man asked. “Yes or no” she replied.
-A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. “What for!?” he snapped at the judge. His honour, irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That’s why!” As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now”. The young man replied “I know. I’m just checking to see if I have enough for two more words”.
-A truck driver was driving along a country road. A sign came up that read “Low Bridge Ahead”. Before he realised it the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car, walked to the truck’s cabin and said to the driver “Got stuck, eh?” The truck driver said “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!”
-A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one under-cooked egg so that it’s runny and one over-cooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee”. “That’s a complicated order sir” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult”. The guest replied sarcastically “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”
-Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail”. The vet was taken aback “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?” “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome”.
-Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, “By the way, Joe, here’s that twenty bucks I owe you”.
