A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels”.
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks”.
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt”.
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra”. Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired”.
And from the other side of the pond…
The local priest rang up his oppo in the Church of England asking him for a favour.
“I’m supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o’clock. Will you take over from me here?” asked the priest. “What! but I’ve never done it before”. “It’s quite straight forward” said the priest “Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you’ll soon get the hang of it”.
So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman.
“Father, I have sinned”. “What have you done my child?” “I have been unfaithful”. “How many times have you been unfaithful?” “Four times Father and I am truly sorry”. “Very well, Put £2 in the box and say 10 Hail Mary’s and you’ll be absolved”.
Not long after another woman comes in.
“Father, I have sinned”. “What have you done my child?” “I have slept with a married man”. “How many times?” “Twice”. “Then put £1 in the box, say 5 Hail Mary’s and you’ll be absolved”.
Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar “You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go”.
So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side.
“Father, I have sinned” she said. “What have you done, my child?” “I have committed adultery”. “How many times?” “Only once, Father”. “Well, you’d better go back and do it again”.
“What! You want me to do it again?” “Yes, it’s two for £1 here!”