Golf Jokes…

Since it’s warming up and there are people starting to play… A little humor!

GOLF HUMOR

-A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear” says the husband calmly “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through”.

-A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says “An 8-iron, father. How about you? “The priest says “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray”. The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down”.

-Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did”. The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know – five, six, maybe seven times… just put me down for a five”.

-A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked “Are you a good golfer? The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

-The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

-A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied “The holes are numbered”.

-A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. “I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to yell fore” says the first golfer. “That’s funny” replies the second “you had plenty of time to yell ‘OH, SHIT!”

-Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?” She replied “Probably golfing with his mates”.

-A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says “Don’t you see the sign? It says ‘Private property – Stay Out!'” The golfer says “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?” The man says “It’s in my yard now so it’s my ball”. The golfer looks at the man and says “I understand”. He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. The man asks “Why did you do that?” The golfer replies “I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls”.

-Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polo’s and khakis and took some time out on the golf course. After several shots their caddy asked “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?” “Actually, yes, we are” one cleric replied. “But how did you know?” “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language”.

-One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here”. Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter, Jim?” Jim shouts back in a nervous voice “Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron”.

-A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting. Apologetically she says “I guess all those f**king lessons I took this winter didn’t help!” One of the men immediately replies “Now, you see, that’s your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead”.

-Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course outside Washington, DC? Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer – Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can’t drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he’s supposed to be playing.

-During his golfing vacation at Martha’s Vineyard President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: “Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver”. The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says “Wrong end”.

-What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball…

-When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake”. Inspired by my story, the doctor said “You must be an awesome outdoorsman!” “No” I replied “I’m just a sh**ty golfer”.

-Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me” she told him. “Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?” “Feels great” he replied. “But I still think my thumb’s broken!”

– A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he’d just escaped a tornado. “What’s wrong?” a woman asked. “I just lost a game to Houlihan” the pro said. “What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could he have beaten you?” “He tricked me!” the pro said. “On the first tee he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes – any handicap he wanted. He said ‘Just give me two gotchas'”. “What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman. “That’s what I wanted to know” the pro said. “Houlihan said ‘You’ll see’. Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!'” “I can guess what happened” the woman said. “Sure” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely”. “Understandable” the woman said. “But still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?” The pro answered “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha’!”

The end of an era…

1937-2017…

80 years of maritime patrol squadrons is ending this week…

In a way, it’s fitting that it’s ending what started at in 1937 with Fleet Air Wing 2 and ends with Patrol and Reconnaissance Wing 2 as the bookends.

Fleet Air Wing 2 was established at FAB Pearl Harbor on 1 October 1937.  On 15 September 1942, FAW-2 was relocated to NAS Kaneohe Bay, where it remained until 1949.  On 30 June 1949, it was relocated to Barber’s Point.  FAW-2 was disestablished on 8 June 1993 and reconstituted as Patrol and Reconnaissance Wing 2. In 1998, they moved back to MCAS Kaneohe, which had been their home from 1942 to 1947.

It’s also fitting (and part of the rationale) that the sunset of the P-3 Orion is the reason for the shutdown and relocation of the remaining squadrons to NAS Whidbey Island, WA.

55 years of P-3 operations through Vietnam, the Cold War, the Gulf Wars and numerous dets around the world were all supported out of Hawaii.

VP-4 over Oahu… I was there from 1973-1976, although I spent a lot of time deployed or detached… Don’t miss Hawaii so much, but it was a damn good squadron! VP-1, VP-6, VP-17 and VP-22 rounded out the list of squadrons back in the 70’s. 60+ P-3s, about 2000 men and women who were the front lines of the ASW ‘battle’ in the Pacific…

The full article from Stars and Stripes is HERE.

A Hui Hou Hawaii…

Navy “Stuff”…

Anybody recognize this ship???

U.S. Navy bureau of Ships – Official U.S. Navy photo NH 52365 from the U.S. Navy Naval History and Heritage Command

Commissioned in 1913, she was the first turbo-electric ship in the Navy.

Still not sure? More below the break…

Continue reading

Chinese land grab(s)…

As anyone who follows Virtual Mirage knows, the Chinese continue to build out military bases in the Spratley and Parcels Islands in the South China Sea.

This video gives a deeper explanation including the infamous 9 dash line and Cabbage Strategy…

IMHO, this is really about TWO things. Primarily it’s about oil and mineral rights, secondarily, control of 30% of the world’s shipping moving through the SCS…

Now that a new administration is in control, the Chinese are finding out that the US is no longer rolling over and ignoring their actions. Stennis and WEM have already done a FON (Freedom Of Navigation within 12nm of land) through that very area and the Chinese had more sense than to try to block them.

It will be interesting to see where this goes next…

Steampunk!!!

Our friend Alma Boykin has a new novel out and it’s…

Steampunk!!!

Click the cover to go to the Amazon page to get it!

The blurb-

Antalia — Where queens and Huntresses rule.
Antalia — Where magic is anathema and men obey women.
Antalia — Where land, water, and people tremble at the break-point!

Since the Conquest, queens and their Hunters rule Antalia, banishing all magic in favor of technology—steam and sparks. Men, too impulsive and irrational to govern, live in respectful obedience lest more disasters befall their people. Andre Kalisson, an engineer and hydrologist by trade and dutiful royal employee, tumbles into a secret that could unmake his world. The people who once lived in Antalia used magic, magic that threatens to break its bounds and destroy the land in the process.

Antalia — Where an unwilling mage, a printer, and an archivist can change everything!

This one will be interesting!

Boosting the signal…

My friend Peter, over at Bayou Renaissance Man is up for a literary award!

Quoting him here-

I was happily surprised to find that my first Western novel, ‘Brings The Lightning‘, has been nominated for the Conservative-Libertarian Fiction Alliance‘s Book of the Year contest for 2017.

Please visit the survey page for the 2017 award, and vote for it. Us poor starving authors have to support each other! 😀

TBT…

Haven’t done a car lately, and a side conversation today got me thinking about Hurst branded cars…

Back in the 60s/70s, if you had a 4 speed, and could afford it, you put a Hurst shifter on it. Hurst also lent their name to various brands, the Hurst Olds 442, some Chryslers, Chevrolets, Pontiacs and this one…

A Rambler…

There was one of these in town back in the day. The guy that owned it did come out and race it on a regular basis. It was as quick as a lot of the other cars out there…

Out of the box, for $2998, it ran F-Stock NHRA, and with minimal mods it got into J-Stock.

It was basically a Ford 390CI engine, mated to a T-10 transmission with a Hurst shifter,  but it fit into the Rambler/AMX performance line back then.

Between the AMX and the SCrambler, they had a couple of pretty hot cars… Back in the day.

There were 1512 of them manufactured by American Motor Corporation, and there is still quite the fan club. They also still appear regularly at various race tracks around the country…

PSA…

I almost hit a woman yesterday in OKC when she blindly stepped out into traffic while fiddling with her phone…

So it’s kinda ironic that I get this in a email last night…

PLEASE get off the damn phones if you’re trying to cross the @$!$%& street!!!

h/t JP

Histrionics…

Hyperbole or just plain old tantrums???

The President is giving an address to Congress tomorrow night and the Dems/Media are continuing to meltdown… Some are supposedly going to not attend, some supposedly are going to crowd the aisle then turn their backs, and… and…

This year, Democrats will be using their tickets as part of an organized effort to invite the families of illegal immigrants, DREAMers protected by former President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, and Muslim-Americans they claim will be harmed by Trump’s temporary travel ban. (A court has stayed Trump’s travel ban.)

Full article, HERE.

And you can bet the media will twist it anyway they can.  Just like some bloggers who are still in denial are doing…

Personally, I think it would be funny as hell if ICE were there, just checking… Don’t ya know…

And then there’s this…

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., said Trump has misled the public to a degree that “there are plenty of grounds right now for the current president” to be impeached. But the public is not fully on board yet, Pelosi said, because “many of the president’s supporters are not ready to accept the fact that their judgement may not have been so great in voting for him.”

Full article, HERE.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Chiraq continues to kill people at an even greater rate than last year!

Four people were killed and 10 others were wounded over the weekend in Chicago as violence this year continues to outpace last year.

As of Monday morning, the city had logged 103 homicides, compared with 101 this time a year ago, according to data compiled by the Tribune. At least 513 people have been shot this year, compared with 466 over the same time last year.

And what is being done by Rhambo et al? Zip, nada… Full article, HERE.

And an interesting OPED from the Washington Times by Kelly Riddell, HERE.

It’s getting to the point that it all comes down to credibility, and it seems most outlets are sadly lacking… Right, left, or otherwise…

It’s pretty bad when the ‘better’ coverage comes from the BBC and Pravda. Never thought I’d be saying THAT! 🙁

In other news, Trump came out saying he was going to up the military’s budget by $54 billion (3% of the current budget) and the left is screaming… Claims abound that ZOMYGHADELeventy… Entitlements will be cut/zeroed, yada, yada, yada…. Spend more than any country in the world, yada, yada… The reality is the US spends about 3.3% of GDP vs. 5.1% for Russia vs. 2.1% for China vs. 15.1% for Saudi Arabia (documentation HERE). Of course, you CAN twist those numbers… Or just go with totals, like THIS.

Just remember, figures (statistics) lie and liars figure…

A little humor to start the week…

If you’re an engineer that is… 🙂

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.  You…

  1. Straighten it.
  2. Ignore it.
  3. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.  “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

*Important social contacts

*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.

*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.

*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

(1) things that need to be fixed, and

  • things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems.  If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.  To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia are in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met; anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractive-ness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late-forties.  Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

*  Bill Gates.

*  MacGyver.

*  Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death.  Longer if it’s a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships.  That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.  Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.  The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

“I won’t change anything without asking you first.”

“I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”

“I have to have new equipment to do my job.”

“I’m not jealous of your new computer.”

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.  This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

*   Hindenberg.

*   Space Shuttle Challenger.

*   SPANet(tm)

*   Hubble space telescope.

*   Apollo 13.

*   Titanic.

*   Ford Pinto.

*   Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK:   Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.  Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.  If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:

“It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

*   How smart they are.

*   How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved.  No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case.  These types of challenges quickly become personal—a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.  (Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex— and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines:  “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”

 

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

To explain, CATIA is a CAD design tool we use where I work (pronounced caateya)

THE BALLAD OF CATIA FRED

(Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come Listen to muh story ’bout a man named Fred,

A poor college student with computers in his head.

An’ then one day he was lookin’ for ideas,

His professor said, “Hey! There’s money in CATIA’s.”

(…keyboards, that is…digitizers…mainframes…)

 

Well the first thing you know ol’ Fred’s an engineer.

The kinfolk said, “Get the heck away from here!”

They said, “Washingtony is the place you oughta see!”

So he bought a bag o’ donuts and he joined the Lazy B.

(Boeing, that is…big planes…little paychecks…)

 

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,

Fed him some more donuts and sat him at the tube.

Said, “Your drawin’s late, but we know just what to do:

Instead of forty hours, gonna work ya fifty-two.”

(…overtime, that is…black coffee…Lucky Strikes…)

 

Well the months went by an’ things was lookin’ bad.

Some schedules they dun slipped and the managers was mad.

They called another meetin’ an’ decided on a fix:

The answer was so clear: “We’ll work him sixty-six!”

(…tired, that is…no-doz…espresso, donuts…)

 

Then the months turned to years an’ his hair was gettin’ gray,

But Fred kept a tubin’ while his life just slipped away.

He was waitin’ for the lottery to help him out the door,

Then he ate another donut and his body hit the floor.

(…dead, that is…heart attack…logged off…)

Not saying that I know a few folks that fit this… Nope, not at all…