Nobody Asked Me…

Confucius say,

1.  Virginity like bubble. One prick – all gone
2.  Bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush
3.  Man who do business in whore house get jerked around
4.  Gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls
5.  Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
6.  War not determine who right. War determine who left
7.  Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
8.  Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
9.  It take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
10.  Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
11.  If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
12.  Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
13.  Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
14.  Woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
15.  Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts
16.  Man who run before bus get tired
17.  Man who run behind bus get exhausted
18.  Man who make love on side of hill not on level
19.  Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
20.  Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
21.  Man who stand on toilet high on pot
22.  Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
23.  man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
24.  man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
25.  do not drink and park, accidents cause people
26.  Man who put pea in soup very unclean
27.  Man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok
28.  Boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
29.  Man who fishes in another woman’s well, often catches crab
30.  To meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
31.  Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
32.  Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
33.  Electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife’s bedroom¦
34.  Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
35. Man with big mouth beware of foot
36.  Man who fart in church, sit in own pew
37.  Woman who fly upside down have crack up
38.  Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
39.  Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
40.  House without bathroom is uncanny
41.  Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
42.  Man who sits on stool smells like shit
43.  Man who throws dirt is losing ground
44.  Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit
45.  Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
46.  Man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
47.  Man who kisses girl’s behind, get crack in face
48.  Girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
49. Man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
50.  Man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
51.  Girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip
52.  Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge
53.  Waitress who sit on leper’s lap, keep tip
54.  Man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
55.  Cow with no legs, ground beef
56.  Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make u-turn

To start the new year!

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident?” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

++++++++++

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.” The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Alllleee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?” The trainer replies, “Deaf? DEAF?? You asshole, he’s not deaf – he’s BLIND!”

++++++++++

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a

sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he thinks. “How in

the world does that fit in here?”

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting

in the corner. The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place

get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?”

The old man answers “Is name of owner.”

The visitor asks “Well, who is the owner?”

“I am he,” answers the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”

The old man replies, “Many years ago when I come to this country, I

was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me

was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, “What your name?” He

say, ” Hans Olaffsen.” She look at me say, “What your name?” I say,

“Sam Ting.”

+++++++++++

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

+++++++++++

Paddy was driving in a dangerous manner, swerving across several lanes on the motorway. This was notice by Guard O’Malley, who after completing a vehicle stop, approached the car, and said, “What in heaven’s name are you doing?” Paddy replied, “This is my first time behind the wheel. I’m learning to drive.” “Saints preserve us! Without an instructor in the car?” Guard O’Malley exclaimed. “There’s nothing to worry about officer,” Paddy replied as presented the phone in his hand, “it’s an online course.”