To start the week…
Pilots vs. control towers…
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower: ‘And where is the world’s most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?’
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ATC: “Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango – check for workers along taxiway.”
Al Italia 345: “Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked – all are working”
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Nova 851: “Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”
Halifax Terminal (female): “Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”
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Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.”
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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes SIR!
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Frankfurt Control: ‘AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.’
Pilot: ‘Roger, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to 130 fer ya.’
Control: (a few moments later): ‘AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.’
Pilot: ‘AF 33 reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.’
Control: ‘AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots’
Pilot (miffed): ‘Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?’
Control: ‘No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.’
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ATC: ‘Cessna 123, what are your intentions?
Cessna: ‘To get my Commercial Pilot’s License and Instrument Rating.’
ATC: ‘I meant in the next five minutes, not years.’
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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh . . . Approach, we’re a single ship.
Controller: Oh . . . oh, shit! You have traffic!
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O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
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ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
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Cessna 152: ‘Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred’
Controller: ‘Roger, contact Houston Space Center.’
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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it’s OK. He’s not hungry.
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Student Pilot: ‘I’m lost; I’m over a big lake and heading toward the big “E”.
Controller: ‘Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.’ (short pause)…
Controller: ‘Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big “W” immediately…’
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Pilot: ‘Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.’
Approach: ‘Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.’
Pilot: ‘Approach, 202’s unable to make that descent rate.’
Approach: ‘What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?’
Pilot: ‘Yup. But they’re for my mistakes, not yours.’
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Tower: ‘American 123, and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.’
American 123: ‘That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right.’
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Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!’ (pause)
Controller: ‘USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!’
Pilot: ‘Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!’
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BB: ‘Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.’
Bay Approach: ‘Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.’
BB: ‘Because the last two times I’ve been at 8500, I’ve nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!’
Bay Approach: ‘That’s a good reason. 8300 approved.’
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Controller: ‘FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?’
French pilot: ‘A 340, of course!’
Controller: ‘Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?’
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Tower: ‘Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.’
Pilot: ‘Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…’
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Foreign Pilot Trainee: ‘Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit.’
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Controller: ‘CRX600, are you on course to SUL?’
Pilot: ‘More or less.’
Controller: ‘So proceed a little bit more to SUL.’
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Pilot: ‘Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.’
Tower: ‘KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.’
Pilot: ‘Please confirm: two hours delay?’
Tower: ‘Affirmative.’
Pilot: ‘In that case, cancel the good morning!’
