A little humor…

Posted on by December 29, 2024

To start the week…

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

+++++++++++

Oldie…

WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

#10 – You can trade an old 44 for two new 22s.

#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun, tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women…..

#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.

WTH???

Posted on by December 28, 2024

Mexico is currently testing a cell phone app that will allow illegal aliens to warn relatives and a local Mexican consulate that they are about to be detained.

“In case you find yourself in a situation where detention is imminent, you push the alert button, and that sends a signal to the nearest consulate,” said Juan Ramón de la Fuente, Mexico’s secretary of foreign affairs.

Mexico estimates there are about 4.8 million Mexican citizens in the U.S. illegally, according to the Associated Press. That’s probably not far off from the actual number. In recent years, Mexicans have made up a smaller and smaller percentage of illegal aliens in the U.S., to the point that they now make up much less than half the number of illegals living here.

The massive increase in Cubans, Nicaraguans, Haitians, Venezuelans, and citizens of other failed states in Central and South America now make up the bulk of illegal residents.

Full article, HERE from PJ Media.

Good! Let them warn their ‘families’… Maybe they will self-deport!

I am getting so tired of this mess, and I can’t wait for next month and the new administration to start cleaning out the illegal aliens that are criminals, then working on the other illegal aliens. I watched a new house being built a few streets over, and I’d bet money NONE of the workers were legal residents other than the boss, who apparently spent most of his day ‘correcting’ the carpenters.

 

2024 in the rear view…

Posted on by December 27, 2024

As 2024 comes to a close, it’s time to take a look back…

This year was a series of ups and downs for me, personally. Obviously, I didn’t get a single new book out, as writing has been an ‘issue’ for me due to some physical issues. I did get a couple of short stories out, but that was about it. But Cedar, Ian, and I continue to do the YouTube chats on Tues/Thurs and haven’t been kicked off yet! And we’re sneaking up on 600 subscribers that are willing to waste an hour listening to us yakking about stuff.

I lost quite a few friends this year also. When you’re over 70, this becomes more the norm than the exception, but it still hurts, and forces one to confront your own mortality. This is not something you really want to do, but you don’t get an option. My ‘goal’ is to continue to do the best I can, taking care of myself as well as I can, and look toward 2025 with optimism, and get at least one new novel out.

Sadly, we didn’t get a single hunt in, so no meat for the freezer, but I happily cheered on friends who were able to get out in the field and got meat (or birds)!

The family is doing as well as they can under the circumstances (living in California), and are making ends meet, so that is a good thing.

As a result of the election, 2025 will bring a ‘significant’ change, IMHO, to the way we are governed, and I believe that will be for the good. And hopefully, we will see prices get back down toward affordable, since it looks like Social Security and my pension are only going up 2.5%… sigh…

Last but certainly not least, I am thankful for the group we have here now, and the friends who’ve reached out to me this past year and made things easier for me to cope with all that is going on. THANK YOU!

It’s always nice to know you can reach out and somebody will pitch in to do what needs to be done, even if it’s nothing more than listening to a phone call. The main thing ALL of us need to remember is that we are not alone, there are friends out there!!!

 

 

The day AFTER Christmas…

Posted on by December 26, 2024

And yes,  the postman ran yesterday…

Feel for the parents out hunting more batteries for the kid’s toys…

The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’ even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s.

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway–chargeaway–chargeaway all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT…….
YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

Is the NFL…

Posted on by December 25, 2024

Purposely driving older viewers and fans away?

This year all the Thursday night games have been on some subscription service.

Yesterday, Christmas day, there were two games, neither of which was on TV other than very limited market. Oh, you could get them, IF you streamed them on Netflix or NFL+

But the problem for me, and I’m sure for other older folks, is that we don’t have the spare $$$ to subscribe, nor the desire to…

Granted they need the $ to pay all those huge contracts, but how many older fans are they willing to sacrifice to get them, and how much loss in viewership are they willing to accept?

I’ve watched this trend for a few years, as more and more ‘things’ go behind paywalls, channels disappear from cable packages, and access becomes ‘subscription’ only as print media disappears from the mainstream. Older folks tend to pull back from the pay sites, getting more and more information from the internet, and less from the media. Additionally, they tend to ‘drop’ things like sports and hobbies they once enjoyed.

Personally, I think this is a bad thing, as those folks become more isolated and withdrawn, which is not good for either their mental or physical health. Older folks tend to get out less as they lose friends and lose mobility. For many, sports is the ‘escape’ for their home life. I have friends my age who are still able to travel and can afford to go to events, so they drive over to Dallas to see football and baseball games a couple of times a year for each sport, but they are the ‘lucky’ ones.

If there is a bright spot, at least college sports haven’t gone that way (yet). And honestly, those games seem to be more ‘entertaining’ today than most professional sports.

What say you?

Merry Christmas!!!

Posted on by December 24, 2024

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Merry Christmas to you and yours wherever you may be.

As I sit here in a warm kitchen sipping a cup of coffee, I can’t help remembering back to being a little boy some 60 years ago, I can only give thanks that I’ve made it this far. I remember the first bike, the first Tonka toys (what I wouldn’t give to still have them), riding over to my friends houses to see what they got and playing for hours…

Then the military, some years Christmas was a string of tinsel in the shop in some overseas location and a box of cookie crumbs.  Other years it was taking the watch so another sailor could have Christmas with his wife and kids.

And ‘enjoying’ one of these…

And then it was my family, those first Christmases with my daughters, watching them tear into the wrapping paper with glee, and playing as much with the boxes as the dolls and other toys.

Now I get to watch that for another generation and I’m truly humbled by it.  And thankful I made it this far.  I also can’t help but remember those that didn’t. the ones who for a myriad of reasons aren’t spending time with their families, because we buried them along the way, or they are standing the duty in those far flung locations far from home.

Take a moment and remember those who have the ‘duty’ today, be they LEOs, Medics, Firefighters, or in the military, wherever they may be.

Christmas eve!!!

Posted on by December 23, 2024

Jeff MacNelly was a friend of the military, and especially of the Navy.  He did a number of ‘special’ cartoons over the years for those of us who served…

This is one of my favorites…  Sadly he passed way too young in 2000 due to lymphoma.

shoexmas

Cajun Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas an’ all t’ru de house,
Dey don’t a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo’,
An’ Mama pass de pepper t’ru de crack on de do’.

De Mama in de fireplace done roas’ up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an’ make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun’ like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit to got to de do’,
Trip over de dorg an’ fall on de flo’.
As I look out de do’in de light o’ de moon,
I t’ink, “Mahn, you crazy or got ol’ too soon.”

Cux dere on de by-you w’en I stretch ma’neck stiff,
Dere’s eight alligator a pullin’ de skiff.
An’ a little fat drover wit’ a long pole-ing stick,
I know r’at away got to be ole St.Nick.

Mo’ fas’er an’ fas’er de’ gator dey came
He whistle an’ holler an’ call dem by name:
“Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an’ Alcee’!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an’Renee’!

To de top o’ de porch to de top o’ de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an’ be sho’ you don’ fall.”
Like Tante Flo’s cat t’ru de treetop he fly,
W’en de big ole houn’ dorg come a run hisse’s by.

Like dat up de porch dem ole ‘gator clim!
Wit’ de skiff full o’ toy an’ St. Nicklus behin’.
Den on top de porch roof it soun’ like de hail,
W’en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney I yell wit’ a bam,
An’ St.Nicklus fall an’ sit on de yam.
“Sacre!” he axclaim, “Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma’se’f on dem red hot coal.”

He got on his foots an’ jump like de cat
Out to de flo’ where he lan’ wit’ a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An’ his clothes is all dirty wit’ ashes an’ soot.

A sack full o’ playt’ing he t’row on his back,
He look like a burglar an’ dass fo’ a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.

His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon’ t’ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit’ snow-white chin whisker an’ quiverin’ belly,
He shook w’en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye an’ a shook o’ his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don’t got to be scared.
He don’ do no talkin’ gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt’ing in sock an’ den turn wit’ a jerk.

He put bot’ his han’ dere on top o’ his head,
Cas’ an eye on de chimney an’ den he done said:
“Wit’ all o’ dat fire an’ dem burnin’ hot flame,
Me I ain’ goin’ back by de way dat I came.”

So he run out de do’ an, he clim’ to de roof,
He ain’ no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an’ crack his big whip,
De’ gator move down, An don’ make one slip.

An’ I hear him shout loud as a splashin’ he go,
“Merry Christmas to all ’til I saw you some mo’!”

Author: J. B. Kling, Jr., 1973

Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

 

And now…

Posted on by December 23, 2024

Dat dere Cajun version… h/t Rey and merci beaucoup!!!

A Cajun 12 Days of Christmas

Day 1
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.

Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.

Day 7
Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack–but dey say it wasn’t in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.

Day 9
Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin.” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.

Day 10
Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be “ladies dancing” but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.

Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we’re having a fais-do-do. Da’ new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da’ old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.

Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to tell you–but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacques, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies–pardon me–ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollars next year.

A little humor…

Posted on by December 22, 2024

To start the week…

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield. He said…

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on  over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. ..

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was  making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the  meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more  proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

DoD’s Twelve Days of Christmas…

Posted on by December 21, 2024
The President sighed an EO authorizing the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas.
Status of acquisitions follows:
Day 1- Partridge in a Pear Tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command’s area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.
Day 2 – Two Turtle Doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of refererence are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.
Day 3 – Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.
Day 4 – Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.
Day 5 – Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.
Day 6 – Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.
Day 7 – Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.
Day 8 – Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.
Day 9 – Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Association.” Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women’s clothing as long as they’re off duty.
Day 10 – Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a “NEO-off” competition for the right to rescue.
Day 11 – Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.
Day 12 – Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 26. As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.