Back in the day, when I was travelling my ass off, some of us ended up on the same planes on occasion. The stories about what could/did happen were ‘hilarious’ and most of us had experienced at least a few of them…
Frequent Flyer Travel Corollaries
Or remember the rules and travel’s a breeze…
- If you drive your car, you will leave from Dulles and return to National or BWI, if you are being met at the destination, you will go to a different terminal (at the opposite side/end of the airport, or an entirely different airport; i.e. LAX vs. John Wayne).
- Your flight will be seriously delayed only after you have checked in and checked your luggage, thus trapping you on this and only this flight.
- If you board the airplane hungry: and you are sitting in the front; they start serving from the rear. You are sitting in the rear; they start serving from the front. You are sitting in the middle; they start serving from both the front and rear. Just as they approach your seat, all service will be terminated due to turbulence.
- FAA regulations now require that at least one crying baby on each flight.
- If there is only one parent with one baby, they will be seated in the two seats next to you (you will be stuck in a window seat).
- If there are two babies on the flight, they will sit directly in front of and directly behind you.
- If there are three babies on the flight, you will be surrounded.
- No matter where your seat is, it will under the overhead storage bin reserved for fire extinguishers and other gear (including the flight attendant’s luggage). All other bins will be filled, and you will be force to gate check your one piece of luggage (to be next seen three days after you return home).
- If you need to work or really need to sleep, you get a pilot who thinks he is David Letterman/Jay Leno and babbles throughout the flight (including the Red Eye).
- If you are flying over something you always wanted to see, forget it! It will be on the other side of the airplane, under clouds, or impossible to pick out without binoculars (which were in the gate checked luggage).
- After landing, you will pass every vacant gate near anything; finally parking at the most distant gate in the terminal.
- If you are late for a meeting, it will circle the terminal twice.
- If you are late for a connection, it will circle the terminal twice, pull in to the most distant gate and then wait while a gate agent gets driver training on the motorized gateway (at least 15 minutes, normally 30).
- If. you are late for the last connection and will miss your appointment, it will circle the terminal twice, pull in to the most distant gate and then be pushed back to a position on the ramp, then deposit you on a mobile lounge that only goes to the main terminal.
- If you are coming home from a long trip and the weather is bad and getting worse, it will circle the terminal twice, go back to the taxi way, sit for two hours (with no information from the cockpit) and only move after the flight attendants advise the cockpit that the passengers are about to mutiny and use the escape slides.
- If you actually arrive at your destination and are renting a car, three shuttle buses from every known rental car agency and a few unknown ones will pass before your bus shows up. Then, your bus driver will pretend not to see you or say the bus is full (because everyone has their luggage on the seat next to them). Thirty minutes and three phone calls later, another shuttle bus will pick you up and proceed to stop at every exit of every terminal in that airport, and then go find another airport and repeat the procedure.
- You finally arrive at your hotel to find that because you were late, i.e. after midnight, they have no rooms, and the only room you can find in town, is actually out of town; and well above the allowed expense rate.
So remember, everyone is envious of you getting to go all these exciting places and have all this fun; sit back and enjoy (as long as you are not in an exit row seat that doesn’t recline).
LATE ADDITIONS:
- Customer Service personnel will foul-up your flight change or seat change to the point that they must clear the record and re-enter it. Which means you will have no seats on any flight and since they are all overbooked you must standby to attempt to catch any flight.
- If you think the regular customers are assholes; try the ones that are in the airline lounges! They make the standard complainers look like Amateurs (actually heard in Red Carpet Club in SFO, “There are people in here with perfume on, make them go away!!”)
- The last row filled in the airplane is Row 13. If you request it, you get some awfully funny looks and some strange seatmates. Something about the Sun is only a satellite that channels….?
- Never argue with security. It’s like talking to a wall, even if they understand the language.
- A doctor’s certificate is not any good when you have pins in your leg and a halo on; they want you to take it off.
- Never, never, NEVER say gun around a security checkpoint (something about gun a car up a driveway).
- If a security type drops something, it’s always your fault (i.e. a computer) and they’re not responsible.
- Don’t ever take a view screen through SFO security! 45 minutes and a missed flight.
- Don’t take anything throught Rome! 2+ hours with no luggage
- Don’t use the bathroom near security in Madrid! or Athens!
- The competent Ticket agent is always helping the other person!
- The line at the ticket counter is the inverse of the time remaining before the flight boards
- Also the inverse of the number of people with problems/questions that take forever.
Corollary 1- Frequent fliers don’t trust any ticket lines
Corollary 2- Pay for the club, it pays for itself
True Story about a ticket agent
I was trying to get the lowest round trip fare from Washington, D.C. to California and was working through the possibilities with a ticket agent for a major airline.
At one point she explained, “Well, of course, the nonstop LA to Washington fare is higher than the nonstop Washington to LA fare, since the trip is longer.”
Stunned, I managed to ask, “Do you mean to say it’s further from Los Angeles to Washington than it is from Washington to Los Angeles?”
She replied brightly, “Oh, much further! According to all the schedules, nonstop LA to Washington takes about *three hours more* than nonstop Washington to LA.”
HOTELS
- Watch out for the “Delux” room, that’s the broom closet next to the elevator.
- Beware when the hotel says, “why yes we do have a room upgrade for you”, make sure you check the price! ($90 room to $800 room, charged $800 too!)
- Never trust management at any Mariott! You can tell when they are lying, their lips are moving.
- Never get room service at the Calavari Hilton- Antipasto, Pasta and bottled water $95 US.
- Never use anything out of the mini bar! Anywhere, anytime, NEVER!
- Holidex sucks!
- Best Business Hotels
Hilton Hawaiian Village
Royal Hawaiian
Sheraton Harbor Island, SD
The Del, SD
Downtown Athletic Club, NYC
St. James Club, LA/London
Savoy, London
Claridges, London
Airport Sheraton, Rome
Calavari Hilton, 7th Hill Rome
The President, Downtown Rome
Crown Plaza, F St. DC
Fairmont, (anywhere)
Omni, Atlanta
Hilton, Anchorage
Hilton/Sheraton, Seattle
Fontenbleu, Miami
ADDENDA:
Airline names most frequently heard:
Northleast
Northworst
Useless Air
Delta- the difference between the cost of your ticket and your service
Delta 2- don’t ever leave the airport
Delta 3- don’t expect the luggage to arrive
TACA- take a chance
American- Amwho? Great airline if you’re a box.
TWA- T-Waaaaah
TWA2- Ten wobbly airplanes
TWA3- Thieves, Whores and Alcoholics
United- Un tied- the bubble gum and bailing wire is coming loose
Ignited- It’s only a “small” fire
the shuttle, if its Thursday it must be _Delta/USAIR/Trump/Leastern_____?
Continental- They don’t call it one pass for nothing!
Continental 2- No wonder Continental Can changed their name, I would too!
Sothleast- They just leave u out.
Morris Air- An airline run by a cat?? At least the milk is cold.
Reno Air- Just a roll of the dice
US AIR- You’re Still Allegheny In Reality- Bring back Piedmont and PSA!!!!
US Air 2-US Scair
Alaska Air- Ever wonder why the Eskimo is smiling?
Peninsula Air- guaranteed to land somewhere
Mark Air- X marks the spot
Ketchican- Catch me if you can
BOAC- British over all Carriers
El Al- Only your seatmate knows for sure
ATI- The name keeps changing to protect the guilty
Turk Air- I’ve seen buses less crowded; with pigs and chickens no less!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT/CSR’s REBUTTALS:
You try serving this garbage and see what kind of comments you get!
Baby-sitting is NOT in my job description, I don’t care how old the baby is!
Just another &^&*) day going to paradise, it would be nice if we didn’t have to put up with y’all.
VIP’s SUCK!!!!!! With their EGO’s I don’t see how they can get through the door!
?Where do they get some of these people?
What the H*** am doing is this job; I should have stayed a nurse
I wouldn’t date somebody I met on here if they were the last man on earth!
This Galley was not designed by anybody that ever had to work in one!!
No, I don’t know what it is; I brought my lunch.
No, we don’t have any _____ (water of the day), we’re an airline not a yuppie restaurant.
I wouldn’t be a FA today if they paid me $100K a year. (One of the original TWA flight attendants)
I’m sorry sir this isn’t a Seven eleven it’s a 737.
I should have known something was wrong seven years ago, when I broke that mirror during my interview.
When I started this job 5 years ago, I had all my hair and it was black. (Very bald, white headed male flight attendant)
(heard while stepping up to the ticket counter) Agent 1-Damn, that’s the fourth customers’ ticket I’ve screwed up today! I should have stayed in bed. Agent 2– Don’t worry by the time they figure it out it’ll be too late for them to come back and yell at you, they’ll just yell at the flight attendant.
If I get one more passenger like the last one, I’ll SCREAM! So you better be nice, or you will never see your bags again! (Hopefully she was joking, either that or this was a Continental Service agent)
After chasing a drunk passenger out of First for the third time, he gave us the bird; one of the girls smiled very sweetly and told him, “That’s not part of your service sir, you are only in coach.”
Overheard at a United ESC office, ”If I get one more of these damn free tickets that don’t convert to a ticket, I’ll shoot the passenger and then go find and dismember the asshole that forgot to put the damn things in the system!”
I think Scott Adams used my flight for his Dilbert cartoons about flying, since I remember those passengers (later found out he did).
If I hear one more passenger say they get better service somewhere else, I’m going to tell them to get the ^%& off and go fly that airline!!!!!!
What DIA really stands for; Done in August??? Done in April? Do it Again!
