Nobody Asked Me…

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!

+++++++++

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” she asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.

“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.

“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.

“But,” protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) “are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”

Government workers are so very smart. Aren’t you overjoyed that they’ll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

+++++++++

A good one for all my fellow veteran friends and others who might understand it.  Two old farts, Dwaine and Lonnie were sitting in their rockers at the old soldiers home…

Dwayne asked Lonnie. “Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?”

Lonnie replied, “I think you mean salt peter.”

Dwayne. “Yep, that’s the stuff. I think it’s beginning to work!”

++++++++++++

During dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

“Did you play sports in college?” his wife asked me.

“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”

“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies an Alabama graduate and an honest man.”

The boy asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:  Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
A:  So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.

Q:  How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q:  How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
A:  Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

Q:  You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A:  Shoot the Aggie fan…twice.

Q:  If three LSU football players are in a car, who is driving?
A:  The police officer.

I know that a few Washington Commanders fans drop by here from time to time. Here’s one for them.

Q: What is the difference between a Commanders fan and a puppy?
A: After a while the puppy will stop whining.

 

 

Sigh…

I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

·  When chemists die, they barium.

·  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

·  I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.

·  How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

·  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

·  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I’d never met herbivore.

·  I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can’t put it down.

·  I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words .

·  They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·  This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·  I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·  A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

·  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·  What does a clock do when it’s hungry?  It goes back four seconds..

·  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·  Broken pencils are pointless.

·  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

·  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

·  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

·  All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

·  I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·  Velcro – what a rip off!

·  Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

+++++++++

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it …mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I tried self-employment but I couldn’t get along with the boss.