Nobody Asked Me…

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill Comics of Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, and so many others. 

Amazingly, there was not one single swear word in their comedy. 

Here are examples: 

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me! 

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ~ “Honey, I’m home!” 

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. 

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. 

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!” 

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?” 

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer it!” 

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.” 

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. 

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. 

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? ~ A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? ~ A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! 

A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak. “The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days. “The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.” 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.” 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? ~ A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.” 

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” ~ “Force yourself,” she replied. 

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? ~ A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 

For all those writers out there…

Author unknown

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Actually, good examples… LOL